NEZUMI MISSION
by Tori Yuki Ichimura
Summary: The Gundam Pilots have a very strange mission...
1. BATTLE OF THE MOTTOS!

Tori: Some @$$hole nearly killed my cat Tuesday…  
  
Kegawa: And this time I didn't pay him.  
  
Tori: Yep, I was standing across the street and my cat saw me so he started running and this MORON who's doing 50 on a 25mph street cuts off a school bus and hits my cat in the back of the leg. So my cat tears like hell up the steps and the car keeps going and *I* don't know who to chase so I start yelling at the yarou "25 YOU %$*&@#$(^&!"  
  
Ke: But Cinnamon's safe now, right?  
  
Tori: Yeah, just a really bad cut on the back of one leg. It could have been worse. But it just felt horrible to see him running over to me and then this F*$(*!& @$$ nearly kill him… I never would have forgiven myself.  
  
Ke: *looks at seething authoress* Someone's either gonna get arrested or shot…  
  
Tori: Well, I went to the pet shop to get him some treats and a few first aid supplies and I saw these ADORABLE little mice! There were six of 'em trying to run on the wheel at once. So cute!  
  
Ke: *whispers* No one reads this part anyway… might as well let her ramble…  
  
Nezumi Mission!  
  
Battle of the Mottos!  
  
One night while Heero was working on his laptop, a mission popped up. (a strong beginning!) He double-clicked the icon and inside was a letter.  
  
"Heero, there have been multiple reports of missing people on Colony C7694 at La Grange Point 4. This may have something to do with a new type of biological warfare of OZ's. Please look into it, and don't go alone. You must bring all backup possible. And if it looks too dangerous, back out. We can't afford to loose you at this stage. –J"  
  
"Hn," Heero grunted, closing the laptop and snatching up his gun. "EVERYONE GET YOUR ASSES OUT HERE!" he yelled and the other pilots scrambled into the hall from all directions.  
  
"Yes, master?" Duo asked sarcastically with his toothbrush halfway falling out of his mouth.  
  
"We're going to Colony C7694. Pack your things. We move out at 22:00 hours."  
  
"That gives us… 3.48 minutes. CRAP!" Duet cried as she rushed into her room and began cramming things into the pouches on her belt.  
  
Exactly 3.48 minutes later, everyone stood dressed and ready in the hangar. "We won't be taking our Gundams. This is a stealth mission," Heero explained.  
  
"Then my Gundam would be-" The Perfect Soldier cut off the braided pilots' sentences with a single glare and pointed to a small shuttle.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"3,859,421 bottles of beer on the wall, 3,859,421 bottle of beer! Take one down pass it around, 3,859,42- "  
  
"WOULD YOU TWO IMBECILES SHUT YOUR GODFORSAKEN MOUTHS FOR FIVE SECONDS!?" Wu Fei yelled, his temple pulsing.  
  
"…one Mississippi… two Mississippi… three Mississippi… four Mississippi… five Mississippi… THREE MILLION, EIGHT HUNDRED FIFTY-NINE THOUSAND, FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY BOTTLE OF BEER ON THE WALL, THREE MILLION- "  
  
Quatre's eye began to twitch. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU FREAKIN' IDIOTS!? DO YOU HAVE SOME SERIOUS PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS OR SOMETHING!? DO YOU NOT REALIZE HOW ANNOYING THAT SONG IS!? AND NOT FOR NOTHING BUT YOU TWO COULDN'T CARRY A TUNE IN A BUCKET!" With that, the blonde coughed politely and sat down, folding his hands on his knees. The others slowly inched away from him. There was an long, awkward pause before anyone moved again.  
  
"IN THE BACK SEAT, DOWN THE MIDDLE, THERE'S A IMAGINARY LINE! DON'T YOU TRESPASS WITH YOUR BUTT MASS OR-"  
  
Before you could say "Watermelon-Flavored Twinkies" the two were bound, gagged, and thrown into the shuttle's overhead compartments.  
  
"Problem solv-ed," Trowa smirked and high-fived Wu Fei.  
  
A good six hours later, the shuttle pulled into the Colony and the boys waited in the terminal for Duo and Duet to come around the baggage carousel. They let them ride for a few turns while the two merely sat there and glared their comrades as they passed. Finally they were helped off and left the space port in semi-good spirits.  
  
"That wasn't totally necessary…" Duet frowned.  
  
"Yes it was," Heero replied.  
  
"We could have-"  
  
"Yes it was."  
  
"But I-"  
  
"Yes it was."  
  
"I hate you."  
  
They walked down the main street, following after Heero who had an uncanny sense of direction.  
  
"Where are we going, Yuy?" Wu Fei asked, trotting up to him.  
  
"I don't know… But doesn't it look like I do?"  
  
"Yeah…" the Chinese boy replied and they laughed. "Hey… Wait a minute…"  
  
"OKAY! I'm lost! I admit it!" Heero yelled and curled into the fetal position.  
  
"Then I'll lead!" Duet grinned.  
  
"But you don't know where you're going!" Duo protested.  
  
"Then I have a better chance of getting there!"  
  
The boys exchanged nods at the logic and followed after the braided girl, far behind, mind you, because she was skipping like a Brady on crack.  
  
After a long walk, they wound up in the middle of the Colony's artificial woods. How, we'll never know, but through the trees a large gray building was visible.  
  
"Wonders never cease…" Trowa sighed as they walked up to the entrance.  
  
BAM! FLASH! Six head snapped upwards to see two people in black uniforms sitting in the trees.  
  
"*cough* Who the-- *cough* --hell are--*cough cough* --you!?" Wu Fei called and they jumped for their perches  
  
"Prepare for trouble!"  
  
"Make it double!"  
  
"To protect the universe from devastation!"  
  
"To unite all people in the Earth Sphere Unified Nation!"  
  
"To denounce the evils of war and strife!"  
  
"To protect the peace at the cost of my life!"  
  
"Midori!"  
  
"Kiiro!"  
  
"Team Rock- er, OZ!, blast off at the speed of light!"  
  
"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"  
  
"Zark 7 Zark! That's right!"  
  
The two people in black immediately began kicking the crap out of the "Zark 7 Zark" thing until its circuits blew.  
  
"Again…Who the hell are you?" Trowa frowned, unimpressed.  
  
"I could have sworn we just explained that…" Midori said, pouting at Kiiro.  
  
"Let's review…" Kiiro pulled a tape, VCR, and a TV out of his Hammerspace pocket and pops the video in.  
  
"Midori! Kiiro! Team Rock- er, OZ!, blast off at the speed of light!" the speakers played and all the pilots blink.  
  
Duet leans over to Heero and whispers, "If you had just let me bring my Gundam I could have eliminated these morons before…"  
  
"Hello! My name is Quatre Raberba Winner! These are my friends, Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton, Duet Maxine, Wu Fei Chang, and Duo Maxwell!" Quatre smiled, gesturing to each of the pilots in turn.  
  
"What? No motto?" the boy, Kiiro, taunted.  
  
"Oh, we've got a motto.. THE GOD OF DEA-" Duet clamped a hand over Duo's mouth before he could traumatize the children listening.  
  
"Um… And now, without further ado…" she began.  
  
"We present to you, 2x2!" Duo added.  
  
"To keep the Colonies from falling to OZ!" Heero yelled.  
  
"To fight for a just and honorable cause!" Wu Fei interjected.  
  
"To kick some ass with my Gundam suit!" smirked Trowa.  
  
"To bloody my hands and still look cute!" declared Quatre.  
  
"Duet!"  
  
"Duo!"  
  
"Heero!"  
  
"Wu Fei!"  
  
"Trowa!"  
  
"Quatre!"  
  
"REBEL COLONISTS, THE END IS IN SIGHT! WE'RE NOT GIVING UP WITHOUT A FIGHT!"  
  
"RELENA! That's right!" Relena popped up in front of them and chirped. The eight looked at her for a moment and she sweatdropped and inched off the screen.  
  
"That's a pretty nice motto you got there…" Kiiro said, nodding appreciatively.  
  
"Yes, it's such a shame," Midori added, tossing her sea-green braid over her shoulder and mentally comparing its length with that of Duo's and Duet's plaits.  
  
"What's a shame?" Quatre asked.  
  
"That you have to die…" With that, the two whipped out unnecessarily huge bazookas and began firing.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
Tori: What is to become of our heroes!?  
  
Ke: *shakes head* I can't believe you just wrote that fic…  
  
Tori: I can't believe I still remember the motto…  
  
Ke: Well, the parts worked out nicely…  
  
Tori: Uh-oh… *looks at fic* We better stop here or we're gonna use up all of Trowa's punctuation marks…  
  
Ke: What do you mean…?  
  
Tori: I mean Trowa's little "…" things. They're expensive, ya'know.  
  
Ke: *rolls eyes* Whatever…  
  
Tori's Japanese corner!  
  
Nezumi = Mouse  
  
Midori = Green  
  
Kiiro = Yellow 


	2. ABDUCTION!

Tori: We last left out heroes in the clutches of the nefarious Team Rocket, er, OZ! Will they escape? Will they be destroyed? Will I ever find the ass munch who tried to kill my cat!?  
  
Ke: Run now, children. She's about to self-destruct.  
  
Tori: THAT %^&*%(*#*(&#@!#$%^&*^&$#!&*!?*#^)@-  
  
Ke: You'll be safer in the fic! Hurry!  
  
Nezumi Mission: Part 2!  
  
The Gundam Pilot Lab Mice!  
  
When the pilots awoke, they were all strapped to metal tables in a white room.  
  
"This is the thirtieth floor of the Team OZ containment building in the R sector of Colony C7694," Heero said, mostly to himself.  
  
"Oh, sure! You knew that, but you could find your way here!?" Duo yelled from two tables down.  
  
"I would so flip you off right now if my hand wasn't tied to the table, Duo…"  
  
"PBBTH!"  
  
"Hehehe… Trowa's hair stands straight up!" Duet giggled. Sure enough, when Heero strained his neck to find Trowa's general direction he saw the tell-tale bangs standing tall.  
  
"You guys are mean…" Trowa growled.  
  
"So, ummm… Anyone figure out why we're here yet?" Quatre asked.  
  
"Vacation."  
  
"Spa."  
  
"We need to relax."  
  
"Straightening our spines."  
  
"To chill for a while…" came the varying responses.  
  
"No, you've got it all wrong," boomed a deep voice with a slight Italian accent.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"What do you look like?"  
  
"Can you let us go?"  
  
"Can I use the little girl's room?"  
  
"Hi! I'm Quatre Raberba Winner! These are my friends! Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton-"  
  
"QUATRE! SHUT UP!" the other five pilots yelled and Quatre blushed.  
  
"Oh yeah… That's what got us into this mess, wasn't it?" he asked, trying to catch a glimpse of one of the others.  
  
"Well, if you are what I think you are, you'd fetch me quite a price on the "markets," so I could turn you over at any moment," the voice said.  
  
"What are you talking about!? We're not the Gundam pilots! Are you crazy!?" Duet cried.  
  
"Duet, he didn't say we were the Gundam pilots…" Heero sighed and the braided girl sweatdropped.  
  
"…I was going to say you were virgins, but Gundam Pilots! Even better!"  
  
The five boys deathglared Duet as best they could with their necks secured.  
  
"I'm not a virgin!"  
  
"Me neither!"  
  
"You can count me out…"  
  
"That was a long time ago."  
  
"I'm winking at you, Duet!" (here Duet sweatdropped)  
  
"I suppose that means I'm not one either…"  
  
The voice grunted in a mixture of surprise and disgust. "How old are you kids?"  
  
"Fifteen!" the chorused.  
  
"Kids these days… But it doesn't make you any less valuable! Okay, I'm going to leave now and shut the lights off. Do you have any objections?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Nuh-huh…"  
  
"Not really…"  
  
"Fine by me…"  
  
"I'm afraid of the dark."  
  
"Go right ahead."  
  
The lights went out anyway. The pilots blinked a few times, their eyes adjusting to the dark.  
  
"GUYS! NOT COOL! NOT COOL! THERE'S SOMETHING STANDING NEXT- To. me…" Duo's voice faded and the THONK! of his head dropping to the table was deafening in the silence that followed his outburst. It took a bit more yelling and five more THONK!s before all the pilots were sound asleep… 


End file.
